You don't need money to be happy.

This weekend was everything I thought it was going to be and more. I get there at 3:30 and pick out probably THE nicest camping spot on the grounds. I put some bluegrass in te cd player of the car and begin to set up camp. I get camp established and walk over to meet my neighbors. Just happened to be a Jerry Garcia look-a-like so I thought I might be in luck. Fifteen minutes went by and he asked me if I would mind if we smoked one....like I WOULD EVER mind. So, he pulls out his stash and packs the bowl, then passes the bud to me to look at....AK-47 will rock your world every time. So I smoked some AK and California Mist and some Sativa strand all weekend, drank like a fish, and had an absolute riot.

The Gauley.

It's just as big as you remember it. The waves were incredible, and I love those holes that your whole raft fits in. It was incredible. We took the express trip and almost missed the bus the mornign of our trip (druga and alcohol don't make a good combination when you have to be up early in the morning, you'd think I learned that lesson enough times in college). But, we made the bus, went down the river, and even got out in time to catch the second half of the Mountaineer game. Turns out, watching that game was scarier that going down the Gauley...I think the good 'ole 'Eers were lookin too far ahead to those Hokies and barely scraped by with a win. But hey, we're still 4-0, and I doubt your team has a record that good, so shut it. Oh yeah, Marshall lost again....I LOVE IT.

Snowshoe gave me a call over the weekend, so I am moving haead with my plans to move there for the Winter/Spring...when the time comes to make the decision I'll prolly go to raft school and get certified to be a rafting guide...then all my education will officially mean nothing...I'll be so happy bein a ski patrol dude in the winter and a raft guide in the summer I'll never look back.


Time to start savin for my cabin in Alaska.

Finding Peace

I went to church tonight. I went with a lot on my mind. My problems, my trials, and my tribulations. Then I heard about a man I used to work with whose baby had died today. Then I saw HIM at church. At that moment I knew what faith was. I also knew that the problems I had on my plate were NOTHING compared to his; and there he was in church thanking God for everything He had done for him. All I could do was shake his hand and give him a hug fora little bit of humanly comfort, but he appreciated it. I now know that no matter what I may be facing, there are others out there who are facing far worse situations of circumstance. I thank God for everything He has given me. Oh yeah, every word in the sermon seemed to play on my life tonight...def a weird feeling.

On to a little lighter note...I AM GOING TO GAULEY FEST. For the first time since graduation I am looking forward to something. My roots are on the river, I believe. I know no other feeling of calm and peace in the world like I get when it's just me and that 8 foot wall of water I'm heading straight at. (Yes I know you are not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition, fuck it.) I have often felt a calling you could say when I am paddling, but I put it in the back of my head and pursued my degrees. We shall see how I feel on Saturday. This weekend will be awesome. I have that feeling I get sometimes before I go on an "adventure" so I know this is going to be one amazing weekend. Camping, Drinking, Smoking, Bluegrass, and Whitewater rafting.

Heaven.

See ya next week.

And the streets of Heaven shall be paved with gold...

I'm going to take a paragraph written by one of my best friends, Adam, and expand upon it.

God doesn't need us. We need God. All of this is starting to come into focus. We were dead, and we were given life. Our lives will be taken away. We get to participate in this, God's creation, for a short time, and all He asks of us is to live these borrowed lives consciensciously while we can. This whole mundane world can be a blindfold, distracting us from simple, enumerated truths, or it can be utilized, as I believe God intended, to enlighten ourselves and bring to bear mortal, flesh-laden guardians of the word and will of God to protect his worldly creation.

Faith. What a long, strange trip it's been. As I am sure most of you know, my father was a minister for the first 18 years of my life. From my earliest memories a sense of God has been with me. My mother is probably the most religious woman you will ever meet; and strong in her faith, absolutely rock solid. I cannot boast the same. I dutifully went to church every Sunday and played the role of a PK (preacher's kid). All through this time I had witnessed stale church services (my father's message was always riveting, in contrast) but the routine that has crept in and taken over the United Methodist Church placed repressive fists on any progress Dad tried to make. I could never understand how a board of uneducated (lacking scholarly interpretation of the scriptures aka seminary) people could make the best decisions for a church.

I digress again. In any event, I became sterilized to religion to some degree. Vaccinated, so to speak. My experiences as a camp counselor in the complete middle of nowhere in WV were my first testaments to me finding any religious fullfilment. Now, if any of you know me, you have to be wondering who would let me watch their kids. At this camp, a side of Shawn no one has really seen emerged. I knew how to relate to the kids and usually week after week became their favorite. I kept a firm hand but I, especially I, kept in mind what it was to be a child. Often I wish I could go back to those times when I was innocent and naieve.

It was here that I first truly learned that God was real. I had the opportunity to serve as counselor a second time, this time much more fulfilling. I had been at college for the 3 years in between stints as counselor. We all know what my college experience was like. Needless to say, once I got to college I no longer felt the need to go to church on Sundays, after all, I wasn't required to, now. And in this process, I drifted farther and farther away from God. I had questions answered again the second-go-round at the camp. I don't really want to talk further about the second time, though, except to say that I again knew I had a friend who would walk beside me in my toughest trials and tribulations.

And here I stand now. I know that there is a bright future in store for me. I just don't know what steps to take to get there. I never thought it would be this hard to find a job. You would think a 23 year old with a MBA would be swept right up, but it is not so. I find myself in prayer more now than I ever have before. It's just me taking on the world now. I still have my family and friends, but this is a journey that I have eagerly been anticipatiing for a long time. I now get to set out and make my own way in the world.

In the limbo that has been my life since graduation, I have asked myself many questions. I have done a lot of soul-searching and I know what is important to me. I am learning to my trust in my Friend and let Him lead the way. The Bible says "If the Lord is for you, who can stand against you." I have found this phrase to be my sustenance. I don't have all the answers, but I have been given some. Hell, I still have a lot of questions, but I know that in time all will be revealed.

Never underestimate the power of prayer.

Religion is a very personal thing. I do not like talking about it openly, but this blog has become the one place I can find refuge from the thoughts swirling through my head. Everyone's journey is unique and has its own telling. This has just been mine. I have seen too much evidence to not believe in a higher deity. I encourage you to experience all the wonderful things our borrowed time here on Earth allows you too. Live life to the fullest, and be genuine in your actions; treat others as you would want to be treated, and don't forget: there is always a guy Upstairs that's the best listener you could ask for.

"One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from anguish,
sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints,
so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The years when you have seen only one set of footprints,
my child, it was then that I carried you.”

Arrivederci e buonanotte.

To look within...

Spirit.

It cannot be broken and it cannot be stolen away. One lost in the throes of despair might feel otherwise, but in truth, the spirit remains; sometimes buried but never fully removed. The physical powers of the body cannot be separated from the rationale of the mind and the emotions of the heart. They are one and the same, a compilation of singular being. It is the harmony of these three--body, mind and heart-- that we find spirit.

How many tyrants have tried? How many rulers have sought to reduce their subjects to simple, unthinking instruments of profit and gain? They steal the loves, the religions, and the cultures of their people; they seek to steal their spirit. Ultimately and inevitably, they fail. This I must believe. If the flame of the spirit's candle is extinguished, there is only death, and the tyrant finds no gain in a kingdom of corpses.

Spirit. In every language, in every time, in every place, the word has a ring of strength and determination. The manifestation of Spirit is truly the quality that attracts me to women. All the bright eyes and smiles don't mean a thing if there is nothing behind them. I've looked long and hard at the various women that have come into my life and left their marks, on my body and in my soul. The one common trait in them all was a willingness to live. I don't mean just merely maintaining the necessary comforts of life, but truly living; appreciating everything and everyone around them.

There is a fire that burns within. A richness so pure words cannot begin to describe. Zeal. A rushing torrent of conviction, nobility, and an appreciation deeper than any trench in the sea. It isn't how they look that grabs my attention; it's all the thoughts, feelings, and emotions swirling around in the glow of those twin pupils.

Her looks may capture my sight, but it's her Spirit that captures my heart.

The Eye of the Beholder

Beauty.




What images enter your mind in association with that word? (hold on a second, let me get my music goin here to influence my words and mood in the rest of this blog b/c I feel a long one coming on). Is it sun cresting over the mountains in the distance, shedding its first rays of warmth across the hillsides? The rushing water of a stream meandering through a gorge millions of years old? A magnificent waterfall stumbled upon in the middle of a forest?

Beauty indeed invokes many different images and can take on many connontations, but the beauty I am centering on this latest chapter of thought is the beauty of the opposite sex.

Woman.

The round shape of the eyes, the feminine form invoking urges and stirring chemical reactions with no conscious notice, the defined jaw-line, how the hair frames the face and accents the smile. Oh the smile, it could get a paragraph in itself; when the eyes twinkle and dual fires burn within pupils devouring anything or anyone to haplessly be caught in their gaze.

I have looked into eyes bluer than any sky, darker choclate than a Hershey bar, shades of green to make an emerald look dull, and into eyes so deep and dark it seems the darkness boils. In each one of those moments I was but a prisoner, maybe only for a few seconds but some have stayed with me though it all adding weight to the chains of my past.

Ever notice how time seems to stop and everything else going on around you slows and you're taken into a seemingly inter-planar world where nothing exists but the sparks transferred to one another through the eyes. Those moments define our lives and our very existence. Tell me the last time you lost yourself to someone and said to yourself "I'd do anything for her." It doesn't happen very often and those of us fortunate to have experienced such a feeling should take pride that they indeed felt that sensation, for not ever having that feeling is a far greater crime.

In today's culture we are lambasted on all sides by images of beauty. Skinniness here, there, and everywhere. Long luxuriant curls, straight and elegant dark hair that makes coal look like mud, blonde bombshells, and red-haired women seemingly touched with fire itself assault us on a daily basis. Spanish Senoritas, Italian Bellas, Egyptian godesses, and Russian tennis players...beauty is manifested all over the world.

Every man has a different notion of beautiful. Much speculation has gone into the matter trying to figure out where this image comes from. Some think it is based on our mothers, since they were the first female we were ever in contact with. A lot of other people think it stems from a lot of other scenarios and I don't want to go into all of those. One thing I have noticed above and all, however, is that people are attracted to those who look the most similar to themselves. Just go through the pictures of your friends with their boyfriends and girlfriends and start noticing the similar facial features exhibited by both parties. It's fascinating and of course there are exceptions to the rule. There always are.

I digress. I have always had an interest in the opposite sex. I first mentioned the word boner at school in 3rd grade. The only reason I remember that is the beating issued by my Father when he got done talking to the principal. Seems that trouble and women have been in my blood since birth. I have always been fascinated by the opposite sex, as they are man's greatest enigma; a wonderful enigma full of surprises and discoveries (some found out the hard way). I have never boasted of knowing about women, nor will I ever. But there is one thing I do know. Women are born with the ability to be sexy. Look at a man floundering around on a pole in a bow-tie...not sexy...think of a man trying to seduce with bellydancing...not sexy. No need to go further with that one.

When it boils down to it, I guess I am trying to say that beauty can take many forms. Forrest Gump's mother said life was like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get. I say life takes us down a very winding road filled with pauses, splits, mountains, valleys, deserts and oases. The travellers we meet along the way are our families, our friends, our co-workers, and our pets. Along the way in the box of chocolates we will meet some very fine and exotic people. Most will just be flickers in our memory, while others forever leave an indelible stamp on our souls.

I just hope I have the wisdom enough to tell the two apart, now, and in the future.

We will never forget.

They say a picture is worth 1000 words. I think 1000 words falls short in this instance.

Marshall will forever be 2nd

Why do Marshall fans revel over their team so? They flaunt their Division I-AA rings as if they were on the same level as Divison I-A. Get over yourselves, people of Huntington.

When it boils down to it, WV only has one football team. While i do find myself cheering for Moss (only b/c he is a true WV boy), my love for anything to do with Marshall ends there.

WE have actually played for the REAL national championship, and if the dirty bastards of Notre Dame hadn't gone for our star quarterback (Major Harris) we would have the ring that REALLY matters.

And just to put the final nail in the humble, solid-pine coffin that is the unfortunate Marshall University, please look below at the picture so artfully rendered. You couldn't beat us with those two star players, and you won't be able to beat us next year.

SO BRING ON MARSHALL...WE NEED ANOTHER TEMPLE TO PLAY SINCE THEY WERE KICKED OUT OF THE BIG EAST

P.S. Can anyone say field goal...LOL LOL LOL

Your life is yours alone...rise up and live it

People are stupid. They will believe anything they want to be true or fear to be true.

The greatest harm can result from the best intentions.

Passion rules reason.

There is magic in forgiveness -the magic to heal! In the forgiveness you grant, and more so in the forgiveness you receive.

Mind what people do, not only what they say, for deeds will betray a lie.

The only sovereign you can allow to rule you is reason.

Life is the future, not the past.

Deserve victory.

Contradictions don't exist, in whole or in part.






Searching for my Kahlan Amnell......

May the plague, pestilence, and disease ravage your community

I came across this picture indirectly through one of Adam's post and knew I had to do this as soon as I saw it. Even though I earned my Letterman's jacket and lettered both years I went to Bridgeport (my family moved to Parkersburg after my sophomore year, for which I am forever grateful)...I STILL HATED THE FUCKING PLACE. So here's to all you bastards and bitches that make up the wonderful town of Bridgeport, WV (except for my good neighbors, the Stucky's).

Music and Coincidence

The blow your socks off post is still to come. I am back down in Atlanta now. Had to wait a couple days before I got internet in the apt, but now I've got it and managed to get cable for free too. So, I had about 450 pages left in my book I was reading and banged all of it out yesterday. I finished around 4 am or so and turned the lights off and went to bed, but I decided to leave the radio on for some reason. The next hour was not a glass cage of emotion, but it was a roller coaster of it. One song after the other came on and every single one corresponded to the thoughts going through my head. I laughed, contemplated, and even left a few tears on my pillow when REM's song "This one goes out to the one I love" came on. Nothing hit closer to home than that song, and I now fully understand where he was coming from when he wrote that.

What are we in this world? Are we all destined to do something great? Or is it only a few of us who get that chance? Are we like pebbles thrown into the pond? Ever thrown a rock into water? I'm not talking one of those huge pieces of granite or anything....but just a normal sized rock? Notice how the ripples in the water begin at the point where the rock was thrown, but continue to ripple out and get bigger and bigger. I think each of us is a pebble and the world around us is the pond. When we are born we make our tiniest ripples and as we get older they become bigger and bigger, and the sphere of influence we have also becomes greater.

The point of life...Is it all the good we have done? Or is it all the chances we had to do something good and didn't?

Time is a great wheel that keeps moving and stops for no one or no thing. We, like our fathers before us, have searched for the meaning of life. Are we to believe the Chrisitians and their views on religion? The Buddhists? The Muslims? The Hindus? The Hedonists? The altruists?The Catholics? Who is to say one is right and one is wrong. I've been to the Eastern Hemisphere and seen religious artifacts pre-dating our own country. Not that that is saying much. Europe had more than 1000 years of history behind it when America was just a babe in swaddling clothes.

Where does love fit into this whole thing? I think that word has about as many meanings as a single word can. I thought I knew what love was, but I was definitely wrong. I don't even know if I have the capacity to love anymore. I know I want companionship and someone to confide my everything in. I also know it is very hard to find someone you can put your trust in. Nothing is what it seems. I thought someone was put into my life for a reason, but she was gone as fast as she came into my life, although I did everything I could to fight it.

Our generation as a whole knows that we have to do something. We just don't know what the hell that is. I had 5 years of college education and not once did they say that when you got out it would be next to fucking impossible to get a job. Everyone wants experience. How the hell are you supposed to have experience if no one will hire you. It is our country's greatest Catch-22, and actually something I can't blame Bush for (there are plenty of other things to lay at his feet).

Actually, let me take this time to thank President Bush for starting the war in Iraq, for TRIPLING our gas prices, and for showing nations all around the world how NOT to respond to a national disaster. I hear he wants to start an investigation led by Republicans...I am sure their results won't be biased or anything. Daddy definitely paid for his Harvard MBA. Sorry, but I needed to get that out of my system. There is still no solution posed for our Social security system, which my generation will be the first to NOT get. He did go to Harvard and get an MBA, right?

I had a job interview on Tuesday which went very well. I did the follow-up thing today and will probably know something in the next couple of weeks. Until then..my life stays on hiatus...

It's time to watch some football.

Arrivederci

Chill out a little Kemosabe

Seems the last blog or two have stirred up quite the buzz amongst my friends. Comments ranging from, "Wow, that's really dark" to "Dude, she doesn't deserve that" to "Girls are out there..there will always be more..." and so on. I appreciate everyone's feedback. These are the thoughts going through my head, though, and expressing them through writing has served to be some therapy for me. I know that I have to move on, that there are brighter things ahead. But before I could do that I had to give her her proper place. She will always be with me and was there through some very hard times for me...she deserves all that and more.

I am leaving for Atlanta tomorrow and it will be a while before I have internet access in my apt; but I'll get it as soon as I can. I have an interview on Tuesday with an advertising firm, and it looks to be right down my alley professionally. There is a lot of uncertainty in my life right now, but I do know I am supposed to be in Atlanta and good things will happen for me down there. The hardest thing about going back is leaving everyone I know. You're only the new guy for so long though, then everything starts to click.

All of a sudden thoughts of freshman year and Doney have flooded back. George and the AIDS, Jay and Ted keepin their beds together, Febreez'ing Drunkie's room on a daily basis, parties in the cave, Big Burgy, the infamous water vs. fire battle (I thought using WD-40 as a torch was a particularly brilliant idea to counter the super soakers) my speakers being banned from the BUILDING, the "guys from 3rd floor" that kept coming down and dumping our trash cans all through the hall, Eli's sex bed...I could go on and on...you guys all know who ya are...We defined what it meant to do it up Wesleyan style...

The grass is always greener on the other side...or is it???

Arrivederci

And as we wind on down the road...our shadows taller than our soul

He had white horses
And ladies by the score
All dressed in satin
And waiting by the door

Ooooh, what a lucky man he was
Ooooh, what a lucky man he was

White lace and feathers
They made up his bed
A gold covered mattress
On which he was laid
Ooooh, what a lucky man he was
Ooooh, what a lucky man he was

He went to fight wars
For his country and his king
Of his honor and his glory
The people would sing
Ooooh, what a lucky man he was
Ooooh, what a lucky man he was

A bullet had found him
His blood ran as he cried
No money could save him
So he laid down and he died
Ooooh, what a lucky man he was
Ooooh, what a lucky man he was

I have always been fascinated with the medieval times. How simplistic life seemed to be in those days. You could make a name for yourself through your deeds. A fair maiden would catch your eye and ignite your world. Respect was a common thing and chivalry was to be aspired to.

How the hell have we progressed this far? Today's world may as well be alien from those times. Yet, I think something is to be learned from those noble times. I sat down last night and started reading the history of Europe and how it came to be. Fascinating. There has been so much knowledge we as a people have lost and had to re-learn.

How did we lose that knowledge? Was it the result of mass warfare, looting, and the rape of civilizations? Or did we just choose to forget? They recently found an ancient cache of beautifully wrought gold sculptures in Bulgaria...dating back to over 8000 BC. 8000 BC!!

Take a look at the Romans. Not only did the conquer the world, they conquered the future. Take the coliseum for instance...seating for 80,000 and it could be emptied in 10 minutes. If that isn't engineering at it's finest, you tell me what is.

Hurricane Katrina has reduced many of our own in this great nation to nothing more than survivalists...not knowing when or where help will come from. Poor New Orleans is just a giant bowl holding all that water in...6-10 ft below sea level to begin with...just go to your kitchen and fill up a bowl with water to get the effect of what has happened down there. God be with them all and inspire those in a position to help...

It was great to chill out in Huntington last night like old times. Adam and myself have been thru a lot of shit and thru it all have remained strong...that's rare...nothin will ever be like just chillin on the porch in the middle of the night..be it rain or shine and talkin bout everything that's facing us and getting it off our chests...friends are what get you through this life...friends.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other...you never know...where you end up may be just where you needed to...



Arrivederci

Shakin the rust off

It's been a long time since I sat down and wrote anything for the pure enjoyment of it....A LONG TIME...I think I am just gonna take this time to vent a little bit and get some of these thoughts swirling through my head out.

I've moved to Atlanta.

I finally got out of WV. Nothing felt better. Although driving home from Atlanta and hitting the WV border as the sun was setting and listening to the sweet bluegrass of some Yonder Mountain String Band did bring some pangs to my heart...WV will always be my home, it's just not where I want to live.

Life finds me at a crossroads. Spiritually, I have never been stronger. Personally, I have never felt more lost. I know that everyone comes into our lives for a reason, I just wish we knew what that reason was. Women have always been the downfall of man, and I am no exception to this. One day, I am sure I will look back on all this and it will make sense. Until then, I shall continue to plod on blind as a rhino and hope the light finds me and it all becomes clear.

College was great. When I look back on that experience, it amazes me that I graduated, let alone with a graduate degree. I spent the last 3 years perpetually stoned and/or drunk, but mostly stoned. I have since moved past that stage in my life, but I don't think I'll ever turn a chronic-filled blunt down. Ass was easy to find in college...and I wasn't even in a fraternity. A big thanks to the friends that got me through those 5 years and a couple of misdemeanors. My diplomas just showed up in the mail, both of them, making it official. That's probably what spawned all of this trip down memory lane.

I'm getting older. Some friends are getting married and others becoming mothers, and some a little of both. If only we could go back to the days when Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were the shit and you were cool if you had the van that shot pizzas. I find my sisters generation is going to take after the 80's. Why in God's name, I do not know. But look at them...all walking around wearing black and chains and listening to the shittiest music I have ever heard. We took after our stoner parents and Woodstock...which means Marijuana will be legal in the US before I die of old age...mark it down...but some prayers for the younger generation..it seems they are lacking for attention across the board...

Wrappin this one up so I can go drink...nothin like avoiding your problems for a night, huh?


Arrivederci